|
| Dear soul,
What are these mixed up feelings? The kind that try to devour me. I can not think anymore with out the feeling of incomplete desperation. It won't disappear when I want it to and why can't I bare with you any longer?
Some times I just want to go away and disappear from you. From reality. From my own thoughts that tell me everything will be fine when I know it will not because life is not fine.No matter how hard I try to live with my life it seems to get worse. Is it because I have no faith? Is it because I'm not normal like everyone else around me seems to be. I wonder about you. Where are you? Why do you keep me going and for what purpose. I know that everyone asks the same question but why do you keep me going at this pace. I know you won't answer me, you never do. Some times I wish not to believe in you and then something else happens and I have to.You scare me some times. With all this emotion and fear. Am I doing damage to you? If not then why am I not happy? Don't you want another soul to connect with. A soul that will help you keep me vibrant, keep me some what happy and not so bitter. So do I. I want another being to help me go on. We need to start helping one another instead of being rivals. We can live with one another instead of forcing each other to live in a sour way. We can be strong and not weak. We can teach each other a sense of understanding. We can be there for one another. I love you. Your my only true friend, my only true self. Please let me in? Let me find you.
Yours always,
Eva | | |
| I slept in. If that's why your wondering I'm here by myself at home.
I woke up early this morning and about 6:30 am because Roxy felt like climbing a top of my desk and knocking down one of my plants making a nice big mess all over my shag carpeting. So, after cleaning most of it up I went to bed again because I still had awhile before I normally get up and then Mum didn't walk into my bedroom asking me what the hell I was doing until about 8:30 when I normally would leave for school. Oops. But I made no point in going. There is a supply today in World Religions and I probably would have only gotten to school after getting ready at about the time of second period starting, so although I should have went I didn't. My alarm hadn't gone off. I set on the radio and I guess during cleaning time I set the volume way down low so when I did go off I wouldn't have woken up.... *deep breath* ....
But here I am.
With nothing really to say but that I'll be trying to complete some projects today and stuff such as that | | |
| I'm back! I know I say I'm going to stay and then abandon all the likes of you xanga but my journal is very (http://www.xanga.com/nervous_wreck ) pretty now and I don't really know where to go. Theres perks about xanga and livejournal and I'm tied between the two. Its like wanting to have both of something at the same time yet you know some where a long the line your going to screw someone over....but I am angry with live journal. I am. And he's probably angry with me. Mainly its because he will not allow me to upload pictures I'd like to but xanga does.We're officially not speaking to one another 
Today was rather nice. Nice now but quite tiring during school hours.I've calmed myself, and the sun came out and the blossoms on the crab apple tree in my back yard has eagerly bloomed its beautiful flowers...its funny how the world can some times make the intirity of your day better.
Last night I completely rearanged my bedroom. This was a mistake because it was remarkably late at night but I did get it finished and that also looks nice. Wonder why I'm exhausted today its because of that and my five hours of sleep.
| | |
| I've converted this back into a journal...the whole dream journal thing didn't work. Live Journal is being a bitch again...so what else am I to do?
This week has been strange...actually the last two weeks have been terrible. Today has been the only day that I actually enjoyed myself. The past two weeks were odd in the sense that no matter what I did everything seemed to just crumble. Nothing I did was right. Everything was wrong. I looked wrong, I felt wrong, I felt like I was honestly losing my sanity, or what is left of it. I've settled down. Taught myself to be patient, slightly.I've started to write again. I've started to sketch and get back into collaging, a lot which is good. I really needed sleep, and relaxation. Only now have I started to get myself back in motion once again.
Its been ruff. The weather is gorgeous though. To feel the sun catch in my hair...to feel my hair a long my back...even though I've been tempted to cut it because of the tangles that cause some serious pain...I'm not used to having longer hair. I told myself I was going to grow it and so I shouldn't stop now.
I just felt and some what feel so alone. So empty. Everyone seems happy, seems so perfect. And lately I'm the only lost one wandering around in this fake bland lonely world. No boyfriend...no friends...all because of one thing, being shy. It can ruine you. Even if a part of you knows your pretty, knows that boys look at you...but if you don't make the move they won't ethier.
I'm just crawling a long lately, with no where to go. | | |
| Last night I had a faint dream that I was in this maze with Mum...we had to find our way through or else we would be devoured by something. We come to a dead end and the "thing" turns out to be a person...someone whom I've never seen before in my life. Someone else who had sent us through this maze found us an exit just before this person could get to us.
There was another dream shortly after that, I can remember being at a tailor shop with Mum, and a few people from school worked there. It was before prom, and I was wearing a suit and tie but I wanted to wear a dress, we were looking around and that was the end...this dream seems very indepth like there is something going on psychologically....hmmm... | | |
|
